We Need A Marketing Ploy
We seem to have fallen into a rut around here, and it seems my natural coolness is just not enough to gain an audience.
This blog seems to hit levels and then die back. There's a surge of readers and then
once they realize I'm full of shit once people get busy with other things their participation falls off.
I don't think my subjects or presentation are all that bad, but I am becoming certain I don't understand this game. I mean, as I travel Blogland I am amazed at what seems popular out there. On the one hand there are hilariously creative blogs where the writer can talk about egg sandwiches and draw a crowd because they do it funny or are engaging or have a wit that is durable or a personality people like to "check up on today." Then on the other hand there are blogs where the writer puts down a rambling line of boring horseshit about lemonade not being what it used to be and 67 people have to say "just stopped in to say you're just sooooooooo funny!" And I'm like -
what the hell was THAT all about???? So I think the time has come to get busy!
I guess I fall into that 97 percentile range of bloggers - the ones where on the one hand I have to face the fact that - when all is said and done - I'm not really all that talented; and that I haven't been able to tap into a mass of lonely, fawning females and toady guys just looking to say how funny I am because they've given up on their own creativity twenty years ago. Or their boobs are starting to sag and it is really bugging them that they haven't been laid in three years. Especially the boobs on the guys.
So I need a hook. Something to draw people in and keep them here.
What I've decided to do is announce to the world that I've discovered the image of the Virgin Mary on my grilled cheese sandwich. It doesn't matter that it actually wasn't
mine and I just found it when I entered "virgin+mary+image" into Google and clicked "images" - I'll just steal it. That way the millions of people who look up "virgin+mary+image" every day will see a link to here and we'll have a good start on people who are good at the "fawning" part. Once I have accumulated an army of harmless sycophants I will generate some controversy.
I was originally thinking that one of the best ways to proceed from there would be to get myself into a
raging flame war with another blogger. Just a knock-down, drag-out, your-mother-makes-love-to-the-barnyard kind of thing that is completely devoid of sense and reason. You know, the kind of internet drama that attracts MILLIONS of otherwise dull-witted lemmings. But
the guy I'd really like to start that with said he probably can't schedule that with me until at least 2018.
So the next best thing is to pick on an easy target. Probably
these guys will do. Nothing is funnier than kicking sand at skinny guys in brown shirts and armbands who are convinced if they cut their hair short and call everybody a nigger or a heeb and act like that is the newest idea in free speech they will finally get a woman. I know - it is kind of a no brainer, but when they start flooding the comments with threats and invective I will generate a lot of sympathy - and this will be really good for building readership too! I would love to turn on the computer in the morning and see six dozen "hang in there RW" messages from old friends who have suddenly erased their avatar and don't have a link back to their site anymore - but love me just the same!
You could go that way or you could go on another tangent. Start seriously backing
these people or something. That is usually good for roiling up the Bambi-tree-hugging-don't-eat-your-little-friends crowd. Animals are people too... Give them the vote... etc etc. Because it is a proven fact that if you get a certain segment angry at you your readership is virtually assured. Not only do you get people who will hate you, but you will also attract the people who follow them around online and voila - instant audience!
It is either that or constantly publish pictures of Sophie Marceau. I know it would work because, after all, she
is the best... except
I already know a guy who has used the angle (with another gorgeous female star) for ages, and so that would only be copying. Not like the Virgin Mary in your grilled cheese sandwich or anything - you can DO that. Besides, he does it better than me. Then again just publishing Sophie's picture occasionally wouldn't hurt. It probably wouldn't be good for generating legions of fawning, lonely women, but it might tap into the frustrated guy over 45 crowd really good!
Anyway, I don't know. I'll figure it out. All I know for sure is, the guy who said that "Hip is more than a goatee and shades" never met the blogosphere.
I need a beer.
>22 comments:
At 8:38 AM,
Dave2 said...
Ah yes... lemonade really ISN'T what it used to be. Thanks for a great idea for a new blog entry!
I never started my blog to build an audience, and don't really care what people think about what I choose to write. It was created with the sole purpose of letting my friends know where I was at, what I was up to, and what I was thinking. Since I travel a lot, it seemed a more efficient method than sending out the same emails over and over again. In the end, I write about what's ever on my mind, and don't really think about whether or not people will respond to it.
That being said, what people actually DO end up responding to never seems to have a rhyme or reason to it, and I've long since given up trying to figure it out. The ups and downs are just part of the game. :-)
At 8:50 AM,
said...
You know, the kind of internet drama that attracts MILLIONS of otherwise dull-witted lemmings.
Not good, RW..... :-}~~
At 9:34 AM,
RW said...
Dave - you are one of the guys I want to peek in on every day. If you do the lemonade thing - I'm sure it'll be great. But - I swear - I sit there reading people sometimes, totally nothing happening, and lame to boot, and then there's 49 people cheering it on. Either I have no sense of humor and just don't get it, or everybody else is an asshole. I'm working on deciding... :-)
Po - Whut I say?? 8^p
At 9:51 AM,
Ville said...
I too started blogging to let friends and family know what I ws up to. I have "peeps" scattered all over the globe. I figured this was an easier and more entertaining way of communication. Although I have not blogged about lemonade, I can tell you there are at least a few comments about the condition of a certain watermelon.
At 9:55 AM,
Sereena X said...
RW, you are just so funny. ;)
At 10:04 AM,
RW said...
ville - Wait a minute! Maybe before I expect a big audience I should actually have some FRIENDS!!?? Christ - I never thought about that...
sereena - (heh heh - I think it is working!)
At 11:12 AM,
Sereena X said...
...and so witty! *sigh*
At 11:55 AM,
RW said...
ok ok...
At 1:46 PM,
said...
That isn't the Virgin Mary! It's Myrna Loy!
At 3:16 PM,
said...
You KNOW what you said! ;-P
At 3:59 PM,
Ville said...
LOL. At first glance, I thought it was a glass with a rock in it.
At 4:55 PM,
Agent Bedhead said...
I will never understand the Instaworship phenomenon. Sure, he can send you a few thousand visits with one link, but how many of those visitors come back again?
Maybe one or two.
Pops, you've found your niche, and I think it really is true that "slow and steady" wins the proverbial race.
It's summertime, and the blog traffic always drops in the peak weather months. In other words, don't let "the man" get you down. ;-)
At 5:26 PM,
Brandon said...
I'm with you RW. I have the same thing. I'll suddenly see a surge of visits and links and comments for two weeks and I'll get totally excited and then they will all die down and I get depressed. Then without warning, it all starts again. I don't have any idea why, I'm not doing anything different.
I feel very bipolar when I'm blogging.
At 6:52 PM,
Mike said...
Hang in their RW...I'm among the legion of male bloggers with saggy tits...much to my dismay.
oh.....
Just make a couple of posts on HNT...that'll draw a crowd for awhile anyway...although I did lose some readership to that fiasco.
You always amuse me...just keep on, keeping on.
I'm a terrible commenter...I need to work on that...after the booblift of course though.
At 7:59 PM,
Ville said...
I really just don't post as much as I would like to. No need to go into all the b.s. excuses. But, sometimes I will think of some really good crap, and then when I sober up, I don't remember what it was that so damned profound.
At 9:07 PM,
Gino said...
take the sophie angle.
you'll be guaranteed at least one hit every day,rain or shine.
maybe even several hits from the same lustful sap.
At 9:46 PM,
Agent Bedhead said...
Alright, Pops. This is an intervention.
The first rule of low-traffic phase club is this:
"Don't Talk About Low-Traffic Phase Club"
Really...it works. Then people sort of assume you have higher traffic...and then they visit more. And then...the traffic grows.
Kinda like a chia pet.
At 10:03 PM,
RW said...
ok Po - But don't tell anybody else.
Agent B - Hmmm, I dunno Sadie, by the look of things today the opposite happened! 8-/
brandon- Bipolar. Bipolar. Are you saying you can go both ways?
Mike - Maybe I need more boobs.
ville - ha! That's an argument for... what? Exactly?
gino - I knew I could count on ya!
At 10:12 PM,
Agent Bedhead said...
Fine then. Allow me to say "I told you so" in about six months.
At 10:26 PM,
RW said...
Yes ma'am...
At 8:41 AM,
kapgar said...
Dave found the image of the Virgin Mary in an object I just posted a photo of on Sunday. That should drive some traffic my way, right? Maybe I should be sure to get "Virgin Mary" in the comments as much as possible to ensure it. Hmm...
At 6:11 PM,
bobgirrl said...
Suddenly I have a craving for grilled cheese.
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